Words can not explain my devastation. I thought about doing a video entry but I am a blubbering mess. The specialist was so confident that I would regain sight around week 2-3, it's now near the end of week three and there has been no change in my vision.
For the first four days I leaped out of bed and diligently tested my vision against my big digital clock, the words on my wall hanging and how much of my face I could see in the mirror. The first two days I was excited that I had something to test for, but as day three and four rolled by and there was no change I decided to stop with the daily testing and just let my eye be.
It's ok, I've done lots of buddism and mindfulness work and I trust the universe. Whatever is meant to be will be and I am ok. The specialist has hope and I trust him, it's ok.
By the end of day 9 I was a blubbering mess, I cried and cried every day. Why god? why hasn't my sight returned? Oh please don't let me have gone through this year of hell for nothing. I can't help but wonder why my specialist chose to do a banana graft and not a full cornea transplant. There are dozens of blogs and stories out there about how people have a cornea transplant and get the gift of sight. So why didn't the doctor give me that chance? I anxiously read everything I could on a full thickness banana graft to see what the chances of sight were. I'll post the results in my medical info section. Good news was that medical research papers have been in favour of this type of graft, they found it has less chance of rejection and that in majority of cases it gives sight. Ok, so my doctor made the right choice. I'll just keep waiting...
Thankfully the doctors had warned me it would be painful and that it might take some adjusting to with the vision changing, like dizziness and nausea, so I took three weeks off work. I knew the first few days would be resting my eyes, then I figured week two I would be able to do a couple of things around the house and week three was planned to catch up on some study. But no such luck, the pain carried into week 2 and I found myself still unable to bend down or move my head much. And week three was barely any better, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to go back to work. Why is there still so much pain? The doctor promised my pain would go away now.
I went through the different stages of grief, at the beginning I cried and cried, I was so disappointed, then at about day 16-19 I was so angry with the world. I hated everyone and everything and most of all, I hated myself for putting so much hope into one thing and being let down so bad. I let myself feel all of the emotions because I've learnt that it's important to let yourself feel and in a few days I'll process and move forward.
My next stage was negotiating possible future outcomes, realising that all of my fear and sadness and anger is because I'm holding on to stuff, to possessions and desires that I'm not going to be able to take with me if I died, or if I was blind, so why hold on? It was time to let go an fall back into the arms of the universe and let it carry me through.
Which led to the the final stage of acceptance. The specialist did the best he could, he is one of the best cornea specialists in Australia and I trusted him to look after my eye, so that part is ok. At the end of the day I have my family and friends, I'll always have shelter, even if I have to sell my home and move in with my dad. So love, food and shelter are the basic necessities. I still have my fighting spirit and my inspiration to heal people and make the world a better place, I can still do that regardless of the outcome of the cornea transplant.
Once again I find myself finding peace with what is, and that my friends, is the best gift of all.