Today I had an MRI scan on my good eye. As the machine was banging and whirling around me I said "I am Buddha", "be like Buddha", until my mind quietened. I thought how Buddha obtained enlightenment under the Bodhi tree and imagined myself being under that tree, receiving my own piece of enlightenment.
As the machine continued to bang and whirl and the vibrations shook my cornea graft and made the stitches sting I had this thought ... is my house worth more than my sight? is my current independence worth more than my sight? Getting up each day and doing things is really painful, this morning I put some clothes and sheets away and ended up with massive headaches and strain around my eyes because the cleaning required focussed vision. It’s not just work that is hard on my eyes, it really is doing anything that hurts.
At that moment I realised that I was clinging on to keeping my house for as long as I could. I felt that my house defined me and that if I stopped working and had to sell the house that everything I worked for would be gone. My home and all of my possessions would no longer be mine, my beautiful garden, my chickens, my home … gone. The only reason that I’m pushing myself to work instead of focussing on healing is to keep my home, and keep my independence. I’m afraid that if I leave the workforce then will I be able to get back in, work will keep a job for me, so I mean more in the sense of how will I return to work? With or without sight…?
I realised I was clinging on to my possessions