Where do I start? I used to have a full time job that I really liked, I used to think I was good at it, that I was high performing employee and if people wanted stuff done they could come to me.
Now I'm bearly keeping my head above water. I cry at work most days from the pressure because we haven't worked out how to adjust my workload to meet my new abilities. The problem is not that I'm running on one eye from the cornea graft, but that my good eye only runs on about 30-40% capacity even with glasses, and the more tired I get, the lower that vision gets. I try so hard and there are just so many tasks to juggle that I can't cope.
So my boss sat me down to have a chat. Not only am I not meeting expectations but I'm not performing at my pay level. How can I perform at my pay level so soon from major eye surgery? My life is crumbling around me, my career is something I've always cheerished and now I'm letting my boss and colleagues down. Being restricted to 20 hours a week means that there's no opportunity to just stay for an hour or two to get the work done. Going from a 40 - 45 hour week to a 20 hour week and being in the same job is just insane.
That's why on Monday I'm starting a new job. The intention is that the deadlines on this job won't be as tight and I'll be able to demonstrate higher quality work, vs high quantity. I now have to open up a clear line of communication with my manager to ensure that we are meeting each others expectations.
But the most scary part is that work have introduced a Rehab Provider to manage me at work. The Rehab Provider is coming to meet with me tomorrow, she has already met with HR and with my boss and she is apparently going to establish what my capacity is and then put a work program in place for me, all ready for my new job on Monday. Work say that she's coming in to help me, but is she? I feel like I'm being set up to fail. Not that work are at all vindictive, it's just that I feel that I'm getting less and less useful each day and that by having a marker to meet then it will add extra stress and I'll just crumble and fail.
When will this get easier?
Where did my positive attitude go? I was all set for having vision return, but now I'm so consumed by the pain and restrictions that I can't see passed the now.
Fingers crossed tomorrow goes well.
I am trying to be at peace with what is....