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Fear consumes me ...


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There is an unrelenting stinging in my right eye, the eye that didn't receive the cornea graft, the one that has now been diagnosed as having a more degenerated cornea than the left one was before it's cornea perforated.

I can't handle it, I can't get the thoughts out of my mind. I try to distract myself but looking at people, looking at the tv, looking at the view or looking at my ceiling all cause a twang or a sting in my good eye.

I woke up during the night and my eye was dry and sore, this wasn't necessarily different to other nights, but now I know that my cornea is fragile, now I have fear and the pink frog inside of me, running rampant, taking control of my thoughts.

I made it through to the morning and started getting ready for work, oh god what is happening to my eye, did it always sting? why is bothering me so much now. I need to get these thoughts out of my head.

I get to work and the thoughts consume me. I politely socialise at a work lunch and then by 2pm I go home, I'm exhausted not just from working but from the fear that's consuming my soul. I feel like things are spiralling out of control and I don't know how to help myself. How do I get back to that place of hope? How can I have hope when there is this constant reminder from the stinging pain in my eye. It makes me so nauseous, I feel so afraid.

As I sit on my couch wondering how I can live through the next 3-11 months waiting to see if my right cornea gives in before the left cornea graft heals, is this a life, how do I have the strength to get through that much if I can hardly get through these few days?