Fear consumes me ...
There is an unrelenting stinging in my right eye, the eye that didn't receive the cornea graft, the one that has now been diagnosed as having a more degenerated cornea than the left one was before it's cornea perforated.
I can't handle it, I can't get the thoughts out of my mind. I try to distract myself but looking at people, looking at the tv, looking at the view or looking at my ceiling all cause a twang or a sting in my good eye.
I woke up during the night and my eye was dry and sore, this wasn't necessarily different to other nights, but now I know that my cornea is fragile, now I have fear and the pink frog inside of me, running rampant, taking control of my thoughts.
I made it through to the morning and started getting ready for work, oh god what is happening to my eye, did it always sting? why is bothering me so much now. I need to get these thoughts out of my head.
I get to work and the thoughts consume me. I politely socialise at a work lunch and then by 2pm I go home, I'm exhausted not just from working but from the fear that's consuming my soul. I feel like things are spiralling out of control and I don't know how to help myself. How do I get back to that place of hope? How can I have hope when there is this constant reminder from the stinging pain in my eye. It makes me so nauseous, I feel so afraid.
As I sit on my couch wondering how I can live through the next 3-11 months waiting to see if my right cornea gives in before the left cornea graft heals, is this a life, how do I have the strength to get through that much if I can hardly get through these few days?
Something had to change.
Then it occured to me ... if my right cornea was going to perforate or give up it would likely be because it was aggrevated by the hard contact lens in my right eye! So if I stop wearing the contact then my eye should be safe. I should be able to get through the next 3-11 months of waiting for my cornea graft to heal and give me sight in my left eye, and then it won't matter what happens to my right eye because I'll be able to see through the other one!
Life will be different, I don't have perfect vision with glasses but I have vision and that's a lot more than I'd have if I have to go through two cornea grafts at the same time. It will be restricted driving, particularly at night, and sustained computer work may require accessibility software, but I'll be able to see!
Oh my god, a wave of relief came over my entire body. I can do this. The fear is not going to consume me, I will not lose my life for this.
I took my contact out for the last time for a while and put on my glasses. They're probably not as hot as I'd like so off to Spec Savers on the weekend for a sexier black pair - gotta look good if I'm wearing them all the time.
The contact has been out for about 6 hours now, but that stinging pain still comes back and bites me. Thankfully I'm off to see the Sydney specialist tomorrow for my monthly review, so I'll get him to check my eye and tell me that everything is ok.
Everything is going to be alright.
I am trying so hard to be at peace with this ....